23:45:00

Zoe - Month Three


Month three was by far the hardest month for me. It was still amazing and I wouldn't change a thing but I started to doubt my abilities a little and had to ask for help (thank you Ais, Amos and Becca for the new mummy support, advice and reassurance). Up until this time I felt having a baby was tonnes easier than I had imagined despite the odd hiccup here and there. This month had some of the best moments of motherhood as well as some of the most challenging and confusing. I think I have learned a lot these past few weeks that some people only realise once babyhood is over. I want to and do cherish every minute of being Zoe’s mummy and will continue doing so. I am aware there will be moments that push me to my limit and shake me to the core but I feel I have turned a major mummy corner. This month has led me to feeling more confident and to trust myself that I’m doing a wonderful job. I don’t want to regret this first year with her by feeling like a failure or worrying about things that truly do not matter. It has taken me to the end of the month to realise all of this. And to be honest things weren’t even that bad. Zoe is honestly such a fantastic baby - I just felt like crap emotionally. 

Zoe was just 2 days into month three when she was faced with her first vaccinations. Our appointment was on July 25th at 10.30am. I asked Ian to come with me because I was dreading it so much. It just meant he went to the office later. When we arrived we went straight into the room so Zoe could be weighed and measured. She was 5150g (11.4lbs) and 58cm. At birth she was 3450g (7.6lbs) and 52cm (well shorter because at her first kinderarzt appointment I saw she was 51.5cm and that was 4 weeks after birth). The nurse left after informing us the doctor would be with us shortly. Ian and I played with Zoe for over 45 min on the bed where she was smiling and laughing the entire time. She was in such wonderful form which made what was about to happen to her so much worse. The doctor and nurse finally arrived so I moved to the foot of the bed, while Ian stood beside the doctor. They gave her a vaccination orally which she gulped down. Then simultaneously the doctor and nurse sterilised each thigh, counted to three and plunged their needles in. I saw our smiling baby turn bright red, arch her spine and throw her head back in pain. The medical staff were so brilliant. They quickly dressed the needle pricks and beckoned me to pick her up for a cuddle and left. I held her for a minute and dressed her in record time so we could leave and have a feed in the car. She howled the whole way through reception in my arms. But the moment we hit the air, she conked out and slept for an hour against my chest. 
     

The day was completely hers so we spent it sleeping, cuddling and nursing. I think we camped out on the sofa for the rest of the day. She had a slightly raised temperature that evening which we had been given baby paracetamol for. I opened the sachet and had no idea how to administer it. I sent a photo to Ian who was informed by a colleague that it was a suppository. Honestly I had to phone my brother (who's a dad) to ask advice. His main piece was not to look her in the eye as I'm inserting it because that's a weird moment. So hours were spent together recovering which in a way I cherished. That said I was also glad to have my arms free when Ian came home around 11.30pm and eat some dinner. 


Feeding
Zoe still feeds whenever and wherever she wants. She generally feeds every two hours, sometimes less and sometimes more. She definitely cluster feeds in the evening so most are spent camped out on the sofa. These cluster feeds mean though she can go that bit longer than two hours at night. Zoe has done three, four and even a five hour stretch at night. One night she even slept from 22.30 until 06.30, unfortunately I was out with my mum and Ian enjoying a late night dinner so I didn't avail of the early night. She slept in the pram while we dined in the Greek restaurant near our house. When we returned home she was still asleep so I rolled the pram into our room and decided to leave her in it until she woke. I thought within the hour. But no she slept until 06.30!!!


Although our little girl is not in a routine, I can see a pattern occurring at night. She'll feed around 21.00 then either 12 or 01.00. Again around 04.00, 06.30 and a couple of times between then and 09.00. Lately I have noticed she is doing a lot of comfort feeding when she is tired, where she will latch on and immediately sleep. We have started giving her a schnuller (dummy, soother, binky) more often than before because she loves to suck, especially now that she's discovered her hands. If my nipples can't take any more comfort sucking and it's during the wee hours of the morning I offer her the schnuller, she sucks, her eyes roll back, she sleeps, the schnuller drops out and I put it back on the bedside table. Sometimes she doesn't show that much interest in it so I don't encourage it. When she takes it instantly and keeps it in her mouth then I know she really takes comfort in that. 


This month I have been feeding her with and without the nipple shield. She takes it either way. With my actual nipple it's a much cleaner feed. The shield fills up quickly with milk so if she falls asleep it runs down under her neck. I fed her naturally four full days in a row and my nipples were horrendous. By day five, as Ian passed her to me I actually couldn't bear the thought of it and used the shield. Hats off to all the breastfeeding mothers out there. Until your nipples have toughened it is pain like you have never felt before. I went back to using the shield during the day but at night I feed her au natural. Cleaning her face usually wakes her so this prevented that. 


My darling husband is playing a gig at a festival in Ireland in September and I really want to attend. My mother will look after Zoe for us but I need her to take a bottle of expressed milk. I didn't think this would be a problem as she took a few bottles in the first few weeks of life. So I bought the Philips Avent manual breast pump for €29.99 after reading very positive reviews online. I pumped the following day and got a 60ml bottle in approx. ten mins. It was easy to use too. Ian was going to feed her the next day. She roared completely refusing to even put it in her mouth. I suggested I try as at least she would have my smell. She took it instantly so I passed her back to Ian. Now I can be treated to one full nights sleep and Ian has even suggested her do one feed a night to help me out.Success!! 

Or so we thought. Since then she has point blank refused. I know people say babies don't tantrum but I never saw Zoe react this way and boy have I seen her cry. With the bottle she kicks out and even thrashes her arms while going almost purple in the face. She gets hysterical, nurses and falls asleep within minutes. We will keep trying though. I pump every second day now. I use a few drops to give her her vitamin d tablet and I am going to freeze some too. When Ian gave her that very small bottle I felt a strong pang. Even though I wasn't even close to giving up nursing her, it felt strange letting someone else feed her. And he's her father!!! I had to leave the room because although I was relieved that I could have a break from time to time I still felt that little pain in my heart. Feeding time's our thing that nobody else has with her. It's silly but ...


In the last week though Ian and I have both managed to give her a bottle but only when she is distracted. Both times she was staring at the computer and that is definitely something we are not encouraging. She pretended to choke on it but once she didn't notice she was drinking from a bottle she took it no problem. The time I gave it to her, she realised at the end. She had the breast about 20 mins before, she drank 60 mls of bottle and then turned rooting at my breast as if she was starving. She banged her face against my breast and when she finally got it, she clawed, pulled, scratched and basically attacked it as if to say 'this is mine and that's all I'm drinking from - got it?".
Zoe has also become more alert on the breast. Not every feed ends with her falling asleep anymore. This has only happened towards the end of the month. Maybe the last 10 days or so. She has even starting 'messing' on it. She looks up at me, pulls off it slightly and gives me a huge smile. I say "Stop that messing" and nuzzle her neck. Then of course it becomes a game. I should nib this in the bud but it's just too cute. 



Sleeping
So pretty much since our visit home in July, Zoe has slept in our bed. Zoe sleeps far better this way because she seems to wake less and after the nighttime feeds she goes back to sleep much quicker. It doesn't affect Ian in the slightest as he sleeps through everything. The only problems are he can't spoon me or me him and he spends most of the lying at the edge of the bed. For me, I tend to lie in the exact same position all night so I wake up very stiff and uncomfortable. Also I don't have a fully relaxed sleep as I'm scared he might roll onto her (or I will but studies show mothers never do) or that I might elbow her. I usually put my thighs up to the soles of her feet and put my arm across the top of her head. I have noticed that if she is crying in the bed all I have to do is put my lips on her forehead and pretty soon she falls asleep. It feels amazing that she is so comforted by me. Finally I feel like that special person in her life, not just the feeder. Before and sometimes still, when I walked into a room she would just start crying because she could smell me and want food. 

Having Zoe in our bed has brought some mixed feelings for both myself and Ian. We love having her there because there is nothing greater than waking up and seeing her smiling face staring up. Also we love being that close to her. On the downside we are both sore and not getting proper sleep (me anyway) and we are scared that it will be really hard getting her out of the bed. She will have to go through some upset when we transition her and that's the real fear. In hindsight, I would have bought a co-sleeper. I have looked into converting a cot into one but we'll see. The night we went to the Greek she slept in her pram. Also we went away for a night with my mum and she slept there too for half of the night. The most shocking thing of all is that on Sunday 21st August she actually slept in her own crib until 06.30!! She took a nap in it that day too so we chanced putting her in and it worked. Ian put her in so maybe that was it. However that won't always suit us because Ian works 4 nights a week. We are going to try it tonight. 


Again, like feeding there is no set routine, although I can see a slight pattern most days. Awake either 07.00 or 09.00. It's generally 09.00am which is lovely (she could feed 4 times between 06.00 and 09.00). I'm enjoying it while it lasts. She has had about 4 or 5 days where she's been awake for the day at 07.00/07.30 so we get up, play and feed. Then we both go back to bed for an hours nap because she is tired. She generally naps again around 12.00. If the weather isn't too good she'll sleep in my arms because there is no putting her down in her crib even though it's in the sitting room with me. So I hold her and she sleeps for an hour or so. If the sun is shining I put her in her pram and we go for a walk. Usually Ian joins us. A lot of the time Zoe puts up a fight but it almost always ends with her sleeping; either because of the movement, Ian  carrying her or me nursing her.  

She could spend the entire afternoon awake. Now and again she might sleep but if she wakes within minutes she's awake for hours. From time to time she sleeps from about 17.00 until 18.30 but that really varies. She cluster feeds then most of the evening and generally falls asleep around 21.00. I have been terrible and stay up until her late night feed which can be anything from midnight to 02.30. I am trying to get into the habit of going to sleep when she does. I did it twice this month. Ian works some nights so I should be taking advantage of that and hitting the hay at an early hour. 


This month too saw the disappearance of her scary zombie sounds which she made at night. We only really noticed in the last few days but they must have been easing over time. She also doesn't cry as often in her sleep as she wakes up. I have woken many mornings with her kicking me and when i open my eyes I am welcomed with the gummiest of smiles. She is still a very good morning girl. The only times she really cries waking up is if she has gas. She cries, stretches, farts and cries a little more then repeats. It's quite funny in a way. The last two weeks of the month she has had a little cold in her nose. This means we are usually woke with the sounds of snots. Ian sucks them out using the nasal bulb which she hates. 

Thankfully she no longer wakes for several hours during the night. That is definitely one phase I was happy to see the back of. She tends to fall back asleep easily and quickly after a feed but then again she gets a mummy cuddle now. So generally sleeping is going so very well except on Friday August 5th. Ian left for work at 20.15. Zoe was having one of those falling asleep for five minutes and waking up by the tiniest of disturbances, for example Ian's ankle cracking. I think she slept a few 5 minutes here and there from about 18.00. Overtime she woke she also fed so as you can imagine my breasts felt empty and my nipples ached. Basically this went on the entire night. I was exhausted. I tried everything from singing, walking, pram, obviously feeding but overtime she fell asleep she woke almost instantly. Eventually at 09.00 I surrender and brought her swing into the bedroom. I kissed her goodnight and placed her in it. Instantly she fell asleep, as did I. I felt like an absolute failure of a mother and dreaded this being the start of a new phase. Thank goodness it wasn't. We slept until midday and I praised our friends Arif and Fiza for lending it to us. I try not to put her in it too often. I save it for times such as eating or food preparation and for a little while in the evening if I want to tidy etc. She does enjoy sleeping in it though so I give in and use it. I know it's not recommended that babies sleep too long in it but admittedly Zoe has happily slept there for up to three hours. 
She also still sleeps quite often in her car seat (in the car only, we don't use it as part of her pram), not every time we are out but most. 


Highlights
As I have said, this month has been the hardest but it has also had some of the best days an experiences. Ian and I certainly have started eating out more often again. Zoe rarely sleeps during the meal because like her mummy she thinks it's rude for the family to dine separately, we always eat together. Ian finished his part time day job at the beginning of Zoe's third month so we have him home during the days which is some help to me. He has given me a few lie-ins which have felt amazing. Even being on my own for 20 mins or half an hour to sleep revives me somewhat. 

















We also go to the supermarket together now so sometimes I have food at home and don't have to go to bed dinner less too often. Lidl is our closest supermarket which is a 2 minute walk. But our little girl hates it with a vengeance. We honestly have only been there twice when she hasn't cried. She could be in the deepest sleep and as soon as we enter she opens her eyes and starts crying. Other supermarkets she may fuss a little bit or not at all but never cry like she does in Lidl. One afternoon Ian and I went to Tengelmann (supermarket), Zoe opened one eye, looked up and when she was happy we weren't in Lidl went straight back to sleep. Funny little lady.



We took a couple of trips outside of Munich too and explored a lot more of our area. We took an afternoon trip to Riemer See because I really wanted to see what facilities were there for families for the future. It was a really beautiful day and the place was hopping. We went for a long walk along the pathways but Zoe got a bit fed up of the heat so we stopped and I fed her for an hour. Whenever it's hot that seems to be the routine. My daughter does not like the heat. Although our Summer as not been as fantastic as last year, when it's been sunny it's been pretty hot. Maybe I am just more aware of it because Zoe dislikes it so much. going out in it isn't really worth it. She tends to want to nurse the entire time and both us are hot and sticky so it doesn't make for very soothing feeding. 
(Riemer See)

We also went on a road trip to Lindau at the beginning of the month. Again we chose a particularly hot day (Ian just happened to be off that entire day). We only stopped once for a feed but here in Germany there are many service stations along the way so feel anxious about where we can stop. Zoe refuels and so do we. Linda was a two hour drive from ours and really worth the visit.






However, I think Zoe would disagree as it was just miles too hot for her and she fed for the entire trip. Ian and I didn't mind. We are still in the midnight of if baby wants dot dot dot baby gets. Whatever makes life easier and we dread seeing her upset. 


My mum came halfway through Zoe's third month. It was so nice seeing her interacting with someone else. It also made me realise she rarely sees other people besides myself or Ian. That's really sad and something I need to change. I want her to be sociable and used to meeting others. 



During the 4 day visit (Thursday afternoon to early morning Monday) Ian and I treated mum to a night away in Park Hotel Ottobeuren which was halfway between Munich and Lindau. It was so refreshing to get away and spend time together.  




I looked for a hotel that had a swimming pool, hoping for Zoe to have her first swim. Unfortunately the water was freezing, even for me and anyway our poor thing had a cold. She dipped her legs in it though and seemed pretty okay about it. I really want her to enjoy water. So far she does but I haven't gotten her into a pool yet.











The following day we took a trip to Lindau. Seeing as Zoe is so young we wanted to visit somewhere we had already been. I really think the four of us enjoyed the trip.






Mum and I went swimming in Bodensee or Lake Constance which was absolutely fabulous, while Ian and Zoe hung out in the shade on the picnic rug.





Lowlights
My real lowlight was to do with me so I will talk about it in my section at the end. The only other hiccup I can recall is a mixed one. It was so lovely and terrible in equal parts. Early August on a Thursday evening there were fireworks in Olympia Park. Ian was off so we decided to make a family day and go. We were also hoping to meet friends along the way. We bought a couple of beers for Ian and prosecco for me along with a punnet of fresh strawberries. I wore my new breastfeeding black free which I felt nice in and actually put on some makeup. 


It was our first planned date since Zoe was born (of course she was coming too). We tried it to Odeonsplatz to meet friends there for a Brazilian dance festival but that didn't materialise so we headed for the park. It was almost dark when we got there. As we were about to find a stall to get food from Zoe got hungry so we set ourselves up on the picnic rug by the lake. Ian ran over to grab some dinner and I fed the little mite. She fell asleep in my arms and we ate and chatted. 


Suddenly the fireworks started. This was our moment of stupidity. Why would we bring our baby to fireworks. they are LOUD!!!!! The poor thing was terrified. Each time the stunning colours of fire exploded into the night sky her eyes widened and she stared up at me crying. I held blankets against her ears and cuddles her so tightly. Ian stood over her too kissing and comforting her. we felt like the worst parent ever!! And we were never aware that fireworks could go on so long. The normal amount but it felt like hours for us and Zoe. I could not believe we put her in such a scary situation, all for our own pleasure. We were racked with guilt.

Then to top it off, as we were leaving the park the heavens opened and it poured. We had to stand for shelter as we had forgotten the rain cover. We were so glad we didn't have our mothers there to tell us off. At least we have learned from our mistakes that night. I'll leave her at home the next time ; )

That said it was that night that she slept in her pram until 06.30 in our bedroom. She fell asleep around 23.00, we were home at 00.00 and then not a peep until 06.30. 


Purchases:

Seeing as Zoe really doesn't like the Boba wrap and I'm not very comfortable using it, Decided to try something else. Friends of ours left us their baby carrier but the back support was broken on it. I put Zoe in it once and she was very content so I went to classifieds on Ebay Munich and found this Ergobaby one for €55 including the newborn insert. One day while Ian was there, I road tested it and everything went well. I really want to wear her because I don;t like being apart from her but I also want to get a few things done such as washing and I am desperate to get back to baking and maybe cooking. I was so happy that this worked. But that happiness was short lived. I have tried to put her in it several times since then and only twice has it been successful and that was only because she was asleep. I long to be able to wear my baby. It's a very strong urge that I have.





Newborn Insert

This month I started noticing Zoe's clothes getting that bit smaller on her and knew we would only get to three months in them so I checked out the online sales and bought her some clothes. Late Summer/ early Autumn is generally quite mild here in Munich so I got some t-shirts and light pants from Next and playsuits from H&M as well as a swimming nappy. 





As you know I also bought a breast pump. Nothing more shall be said on that except that I still pump every second day and this pump is excellent. 


Perhaps I got a bit ahead of myself but we bought Zoe her cot and mattress. I want to decorate her nursery so I wanted to have an idea of the layout. the cot was a must for that. It's from Ikea even though I said I was never going back there again. However it is really sturdy, small and very sweet looking. Her room is pretty tiny so I didn't want a big piece of furniture over powering the space. As to what to do with the nursery now, I'm not sure. Was going to paint it mint but I'm honestly not sure. Maybe I'll leave it white and just add lots of colour. I want to see her personality first. 





Changes:
Ian has discovered that Zoe's hold of choice is front facing. As I am a failure at doing tummy time with her, her head is still fairly unstable so this position is extra difficult. I actually miss holding my baby facing me. I feel like she is too grown up already. 










Crying

As I have said Zoe cries a lot when it is too hot. Our bedroom gets the morning sun so on really beautiful days I keep the blinds closed and that way it's cool later. I also tend to nurse her there late afternoon and evening for this reason too. At this stage our sitting room is flooded with sunlight. 


She cries obviously too when she is hungry. I feel like the hunger creeps up on her suddenly. She goes from laughing on the playmate to being beetroot in the face kicking her legs out straight, almost as if she has never been fed. During her first two months I was able to get her to stop crying before she latched on, she really understood this. However this month I would't even try. Well I did and boy did I get daggers thrown at me. 


Sometimes I have to turn away to laugh because it's just so dramatic. 



I really don't find Zoe to be a crying baby. She does cry a lot in a way. Well I'm not sure what's normal. I don't feel like she cries a lot but when I think back on things maybe she does. Maybe I don't feel it because so far if all else fails at least nursing her stops her. I have that. Yes it means we are late going places, sometimes we don't even get out but at least I feel I can settle and comfort her. 



This past month Zoe has cried a lot in the evenings. Cry, feed, sleep, cry and so on. I have read different information on the subject. It could just be processing the whole day etc. I don;t do much anyway at night so I'm happy camped out making sure she is content. It means half hourly to hourly feeds, cuddles and naps and no dinner for me (sometimes) but it's just a phase. That I know now. 


Milestones & Likes

Zoe thankfully still adores the bath. She is so relaxed in it and feeds and sleeps immediately afterwards. It is such a relaxing time for the three of us.



We often wondered what she see when we look into her pram/crib. This is it. 


At the beginning of the month there was nothing better Zoe and Ian enjoyed doing but napping. By the second week or so she suddenly stopped liking lying on our chests. This is something I was not expecting so soon and I miss it so much already. I am glad I completely took advantage of it though and didn't put her down when I could have. 



Zoe really enjoys her playmate and her swing. She will lie happily on her mat for over half an hour as long as she isn't on her own the whole time. She is more than happy if we just keep checking in with her. I feel it's important for her to have some alone time too to explore and be by herself. She still cannot reach the toys hanging down yet but I shake them for her and talk about them. We also turn on her musical turtle the she is on the mat and she like that. She has started to kick the 'arms' of the mat now and watches the toys shake. I often find her laughing away to herself when she is there alone. I wonder what she is laughing about. We play with this caterpillar my Uncle John and marilynn bought for her. i press the button and it talks or plays music, then I say "It's Zoe's turn" and I help her push the button. She is very responsive to this. We have also started doing this with the hall light for nappy change. 





Something she really loves is when I rub my finger horizontally across my lips and make a noise, then I do it to her and she likes and even attempts a sound. It's so cute. I also do the "Native American Indian" sound and when i do it to her mouth she certainly reacts and makes a sound. Naturally she never performs on cue but Ian has witnessed it. 




This was completely by accident but I recorded the first time she ever used her arm to grab something - this rabbit. She certainly does try to grab at things but most of her movements are still by mistake. 





Laughing and smiling - need I say more. 
It's the best thing in the entire world!!!!!!!!!!




The photos below are from the day I put her in the first dress Ian bought her before she was born. I was determined not to dress her in clothes other than baby grows for the first three months but Ian desperately wanted to buy her one Summer Dress. In the selfie photo shoot I just keep snapping photos. In these two, I Kissed her and immediately she turned and pushed towards my face. I'm guessing to kiss me back. My heart melted. 



How I'm doing:
Physically my scar is healing really well except for one tiny section which has a nasty scab on it.


I have gained a lot of weight this month as I have been mainly reaching for sugar. I have also gotten more meals without Zoe in my arms so I have eaten more. My real jelly belly is gone and in it's place is just normal fat but just a bit softer than before.

My nipples have been going through their paces as I am trying to feed her more often without my shield. They are so cracked. Some feeds I can feel my toes curling with the pain as she latches on.

My hair is falling out a handful at a time.

I have gotten a 'period' spot on my chin but just one so that's not too bad.

I am not feeling too sleep deprived but I do have my moments. If I have an appointment or meet up with someone I am wrecked for the rest of the day but generally I feel good. Napping has officially come to an end this month because Zoe has refused to lie on my chest like she used to. This photo below was probably our last ever nap together and I think it was taken the last week in July or first in August. 


So as I have said before this month has definitely been the hardest. It was mostly psychological on my part but also seems to have been quite normal. It's so reassuring to talk to other honest mothers because then I don't feel so bad. There were a couple of days (maybe 2 or 3) this month (all this happened the first week of her third month) when I felt like Zoe hated me. This threw me for a couple of weeks. Okay she fed from me no problem, turned towards me in bed and took comfort with me touching her. However, every time I held her normally she cried. I felt like when Ian left for work she kicked up and didn't want to be with me. Naturally I googled it but came up with no answers just many other women feeling the same way. For two days, every time I took her up for a cuddle she roared. She wouldn't let me hold her against my chest. I felt like a complete failure. I started getting scared to leave the house in case she kicked off and I couldn't settle her. People would see how much she hated me. One day Ian and I went to Ikea. It's only ten minutes by car from home. Ian dropped the purchases home and then came back to collect us. I was terrified of him leaving me alone with her in public. Imagine. This baby which I had grown and nursed and was starting to know so well. This baby who took comfort in my rocking and singing to her. The baby who falls asleep just by my lips touching her head. "Please hurry back", I begged. The moment he kissed me goodbye, my heart started racing and Zoe woke up screaming. Shaking I wheeled her up to the restaurant and did the only thing I knew how to do - fed her. This was the only thing that calmed either of us. thankfully Ian wasn't long at all. 

I didn't want to see anybody, yet I never felt more isolated and alone as I did then. I knew I loved Zoe so much yet I didn't feel like her real mum. I didn't know what was wrong when she cried. I was scared that people would notice that too so I avoided them. Every other mother around me seemed to be doing a brilliant job but I felt like I still didn't know my daughter. I just wanted to see someone I was 100% comfortable with. Someone who wouldn't judge. I wanted my sister. 

 I had no company at home. When Ian was there he was always on his phone doing things for work or wearing his headphones making music. It was then I noticed we had sort of stopped talking somewhere along the way. I don't mean we didn't talk, we talk when we need to but we weren't chatting. I no longer had anyone to make conversation with. It dawned on me that Zoe had been living in a quiet household. I had imagined her growing up around family and friends. Knowing her cousins and listening to my endless stories about what I had done with my day. I was now aware that Zoe probably no longer knew my real voice, just my baby voice - and my nagging voice. 

I started to feel pretty low but at the same time I was still satisfied and happy with my family. I was scared that I would suffer from post natal depression. Having experienced depression for a couple of years in my twenties, I was aware it could make me more susceptible to it. That said, I am very self aware and knew the moment I felt anything negative I would turn for help. But I didn't know where to turn here in Munich. I asked my mum to come for a few days and that really helped me. I kept the dialogue between me and Ian open and other than that I just went easier on myself. I reached out to fellow new and second time mothers and after much reassurance, a relaxing trip away and getting out of the house more with my little family every day I feel 100% better. I don't know if I really get things across properly in my blog. This may sound like it was taking over my life, like I wasn't enjoying every day with my daughter. It wasn't and I was. This was just a small part of how I was feeling. I put too much pressure on myself and doubted my abilities. I am not and never will be the world's greatest mum but I adore my daughter to the moon and back and that's what matters. I take in every moment with her and appreciate this short time which is childhood. It's only by talking to other mother's that I realise this is all so normal. as several people have said "We are all just winging it and hoping for the best". I don't have secret moves to stop Zoe from crying but I go to her as soon as she does. She knows she can rely on me and that's what matters. 


I cannot believe the newborn stage is already over. I am mourning it. It went incredibly fast and was 100% easier than I had ever imagined. Obviously I had a few moments of self-doubt but it truly was the greatest time in my life. I cherished it all even when I felt bad about myself because I took something from it. I am loving this next stage too but as I start to pack away Zoe's tiny vests, socks, nappies and baby grows I yearn to just hold her one more time against my chest as the teeny weeny person she was. I am honoured to witness her grow, don't get me wrong. `but as they say,"they grow up too fast". That already is most certainly true. Thank you Zoe for making the newborn stage so wonderful.

So my friends, I think that sums up month three of Zoe's life. I cannot believe we are already here. time is flying. I am certainly going into month four more relaxed and ready to get out and meet people.

Thank you for stopping by.

With Love,

gem xx



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  1. Thanks for the honest post, I can relate to a lot of it. Fair play for making the time to post,X

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